Why experience is not important

Potential

Ever sat down with someone to discuss a common experience only derive an almost polar opposite interpretation of it? How can it be that two persons can observe or experience the “same” thing and yet have such different takeaways?

On this premise, I will argue that experience is the least important thing we should concern ourselves with at the beginning. What we actually should be focusing on, both on ourselves as well as our children is the cultivation of Ethnical Integrity. Let me list out the 5 tiers in their order of importance.

Ethnical Integrity, motivation, capacity, knowledge and lastly experience

Let’s break it down. First, ethnical integrity, integrity here can be understood as a state of being. Like wet, dry, broken or intact. To have an integrity problem is to say that one’s core being is somewhat compromised in such a manner which renders one’s disposition somewhat inconsistent. Let us not forget that even thieves have their own form of integrity. Integrity alone and by itself is amoral. Hence the need to give it an orientation, hence the concept of ethnical, that is to say, that whatever ethnic a person subscribe to, be it Weber’s idea of the Mature man, incorporating Conviction and responsibility, or Kantian ideas of reason, that person should and must maintain an “ethnical stable stance” during the course of the person’s life.

Once one has picked the set of ethnics which will be the guiding force of his life, one should be steadfast, only allowing alteration which stems from episodes of self-reflection and ever weary of the introduction of induced input of unguided circumstances.

Once the course vector has been calibrated, the velocity needs to be verified. The inner turbine needs to be driven. A reservoir must be allowed to accumulate. Progressive training, a disciplined mind, positive reinforcement, encouragement and other such social conduits are the streams which help channel energy into this reservoir of self-confidence, held back by the dam of ethnical integrity. When unleashed upon the turbines of oneself, the self-confidence would be channelled into a great self motivational force which would be directed into the capacitors of one’s life.

With a stable stream of motivation held behind a dam forged of steadfast ethnical integrity, no task would seem too daunting, no challenge too great. One’s capacity would only stretch, and one’s potential would be limitless, because with the reservoir at one’s back, trees becomes twigs, pools become puddles. The capacity to learn would be insatiable, the thirst unquenchable. What is the capacity for, it’s to create a vacuum, to render you aware of a void and spark a desire to acquire knowledge.

Once capacity has been cultivated, learning seizes to be a chore, it becomes a joy. Knowledge becomes weightless, no longer does it take the form of a bladder on the camel’s back, it evolves into the wings of an eagle. Knowledge and learning transcend the form of an anchor and becomes an enabler. The quality of knowledge would be rich in both breadth and depth because it was driven by a motivation laced with confidence and held in check by ethnical integrity.

When all of the above are primed and set, one would then generate different interpretations of the experiences of one’s life. Ethical integrity, motivation, capacity and knowledge embody the role of mirrors and lens which help us to focus our life experiences into sharp imagines, clear our vision of the horizons, block out the rays which would poison our reservoirs, enrich and refine our experiences.

Do not get ahead of ourselves and pursue experiences for the sake of accumulating volumes of unintelligible sensory sensations. Without the lens, light is just light, but with good enough lens, and skilled positioning, the lens can help focus the light into a laser, a laser to help craft our destinies.

And that is why Army was a meaningful experience for some, and a waste of time for so many others, why a relationship can destroy someone and yet strengthen another, why some stand and why some fall.

Have you gotten ahead of yourself?

Why we tame Dragons

Dragon

I was at Kumar’s Amazing Race gig, he was basically making fun of Indian people most of the time, at the white and dark Indians and their difficulty in getting jobs in racist Singapore etc. etc. About 20 min into the act while he was making fun of how north Indians always look down on south Indians, this north indian guy who was seated right beside me shouted expletives from the third floor of the theatre, he lost control for 2 seconds. The acoustics of the hall carried the shout. Every one heard it, including Kumar. But despite this inconsiderate behaviour, Kumar recovered almost instantly and carried on and all was good again. Needless to say who is at fault here, if you can’t take jokes centred on stereotypes, than don’t attend such events. His 2 seconds of rage left an indelible mark on the experiences a few hundred people. But that is not the point of this entry.

This incident reminded me of another story. I had a friend, she had a boyfriend who drove a fast car. Once the couple gave me a ride home, and during the ride he was driving fast, seemingly reckless, lots of hard braking and overtaking. During this time, I was being slightly tossed about in the back seat. I asked my friend if he always drive like this, she said that he only drives like this when he gets emotional, angry, sad, etc.

At that point, I asked myself. Which part of the human body directly causes the car to speed? I deduce that it was the ankle. When he gets emotional, he cannot even maintain full control of his one ankle. I question his ability to control his wrists and fists and the different types of indelible marks he could leave on her life.

Men are endowed by God (or nature) depending on where you stand, with generally greater strength than women. What purpose could our strengths serve, to bully, abuse or rape? I don’t think so. A sword is used to kill, but it was forged by the desire to protect.

People have absolute faith in the rising of the sun because it is dependable; nothing can stop it from keeping its promise to rise every morning. We depend on it, we count on it, and we even take it for granted. But no one have any faith in the strength and direction of the wind. It’s true that the force of the wind can be great and its direction favourable, but too many elements are allowed to interfere with the trajectory of the wind, even the flapping of the wings of the butterfly (butterfly effect). The wind, great as it is, is not its own master.

Imagine you have a friend who is brilliant, strong or good looking. But every time when you meet him, you do not know what state of mind he is in. He could be angry at packed bus, or sad from his argument with his mother that morning. How can we count of him when push comes to shove? Can we really depend on a guy whose mood is his mode? He allowed his circumstances to determine who he is.

A man can become great, fit, strong, successful or wealthy. But if he were to have a poor grasp over his emotions or an ill disciplined mind, all his strength and power will become a source of fear to those around him, an untamed dragon.

Power as they say is nothing without control. I have seen enough people in my life lose it to know that once you lost it, you can never really get it back. Control and discipline is not a single act, its a habit, a lifestyle, a way of life. You are, afterall, what you continually do. Tame your thoughts, tame your dragon.

V

Girl Guides: So much, for going Dutch

Can love be separated from money?

Few topics are as sensitive as money in consumer crazy Singapore. Due to many reasons, many guys today are still living off their parents. Even if it’s not explicit financial support, they are supported by the provision of housing, food, handphone bills, etc. We are rarely fully independent until we get a job and move out, which is around the age of 32 I reckon.

Point one, our money is not our own. Even if a guy has a part time job, is he paying rent to his parents? Is he paying the bills which he is a part of? Until he has completely broken away financially, his money is not his purely his own. So girls, please don’t expect him to use daddy’s money on you. Lest one valentine day you get a bouquet of flowers with a card saying “I love you, From Simon, Regards Simon’s Dad”.

When I was a teenager, my mom told me “Boy, I didn’t give you money for you to buy flowers for girls, don’t use dad’s money to make up for what you lack”. Honestly I was rather affected by this, but the nail in the coffin for this happened many years after that conversation with mom. I used to work in a bar, there was a rather pretty girl working here. She seemed rather nice and had a boyfriend who adored her. Boyfriend’s father was quite wealthy, so boyfriend had more than enough money to spend her. She was sharing with her friend, in my presence that she don’t even need to bring her wallet out, not even EZ link card because he would drive her home. Once after work, we were all tired and her boyfriend wanted to have supper with her. She reluctantly agreed via sms and told her friend beside her that it’s a free meal anyway.

I swore that I would never be on the other end of that conversation. There are many guys out there who do not share my sentiments. They believe in paying every time all the time, I do not have an issue with that. But there are some guys who are not sure, hence here are some suggestions.

Guys, if you think that you will be seeing her again, offer to pay for her this time and tell her that she can pay for the next time. If she enjoyed her time, she would be glad to do that. But if the idea of paying for her own meal doesn’t sit well with her, then your second date will not materialize and you have saved yourself in many ways. Think about it.

Girls, don’t be too happy when you are with a guy who has a loose wallet. A man’s spending reflects his priorities. Where, who and how he spends can tell you a lot about him. It can tell you what he values, what he take for granted, what kind of relationship he is trying to build with you. Please note that I did not mention any actual amount of money. That is actually irrelevant, it’s the principle behind it. His spending might be hiding his insecurity, his ability to attract friends and influence people.

I am not defending “stingy” guys, but there are some guys out there who actually are broke, yes remember them? A meal with you might cause him to downgrade his lunch for the next 3 days. It’s true that it says a lot when he is willing to sacrifice for you, but what does it say about you when you expect this sacrifice?

I have always believed that generosity is not what you give others, but what you give up for others. Getting a girl something that shows that you are thinking of her often is much better than getting her what she “wants”. A blade of grass can be a precious gift. There can be more love in a blade of grass than in a mansion on Lonely Street.

In our quest to impress others according to the laws of Hollywood, we sometime forget what we are trying to express. Our misplaced expectations render us blind to classical human values.

Once I went out with a rather thoughtful girl for lunch at Swenson’s. Because I had such an awesome time chatting with her I really didn’t mind paying for her. I settled the bill when she went to the ladies, when she came back she asked how much was the bill, I told her that it cost twice as much her next lunch with me. That was years ago, and until now we are good friends. Money will always be a factor in our relationships with people, but don’t let it become an issue.

Become the girl that money cannot buy, let trust be the currency, love be the unit of measurement and loyalty be the statement.

V

Mini-series: Girl Guides, Introduction and Points of Departures.

Context should be our lens, not what we perceive.

I have decided to write a mini-series of blog entries centred on an issue many girls have found to be terribly difficult to ascertain. How do we understand the guy whom she is interested in as a life partner? I have toyed with these ideas for a long time and I have decided that in order to properly give a concrete structure to my opinion, a blog mini-series is the best way. Please note, that this is merely my opinion; it is not fact by any stretch of the imagination. Remember always that I need not have wrote this, I could have kept all this to myself, in my own world, told only to a handful of friends who bother to listen but cannot remember what I said when they wake up the next day. But I decided that it have better currency here, the voice to the void.

We must start with introspection. Which essentially means that we need to look inwards and at the ground we are standing on, how old are you, what kind of partner are you looking for, how serious are you when you are interacting with him and how seriously do you take yourself? How do we know? Here’s some “tips for thought”.

Life is not divided by age categories but by phases of existences. It doesn’t matter if we are 15 or if we are 25. What matters is which phase of our life course we are currently undergoing. If you are working or studying, the issues you face and the pleasures you draw from life are rather specific to your phase. The dimension which exist behind our eyeballs are personal and specific, hence in order to better communicate this inner world to someone else, he should also be in the same phase. This will help greatly in the exchange of ideas as well as ascertaining compatibility of ideas.

Birds of the feather flock together, opposite attracts. These two separate axioms are inherently contradictory; however you have used them both or at least thought that way during difference instances of your life. Are you a hypocrite? No. You are merely engaged in a fallacy. You are missing out on the element of context. For example, I love to talk. Depending on the context, I should seek out someone who equally loves to talk so I can debate with her till we grow old and die from it or should I seek out someone who listens and never contribute anything meaningful to my intellect? It’s the issue of context. Be clear that preference has no polarity, there is no right or wrong when it comes to preference, white is no better than black. Know that our decisions are almost always influenced if not determined by context. Be context aware, generous guy might be hiding a heart always eager to please or a lack of control when interacting with girls. Generous is no more better than stingy, selfless no better than poor judgement.

Hence when laying the foundations of a potentially long term relationship, it is ideal that this process be done in the same bubble metaphorically speaking. This allows for ideals, beliefs, hopes and dreams to be exchanged with similar currency. That is to say that we are comparing apples with apples.

The other point is that we should know what we want and embed our preferences within context. I personally feel that a guy must and should have an unwavering dedication to his family, you should never hold it against when a guy blows you off for a family related event or commitment. This exemplifies the priorities in his life. After all you hope to one day become a part of his family right? Wouldn’t you want to be his priority as well? Ever girl wants to be the main character in her man’s life but know that she should never start out as the lead actress. If you find that the guy promotes you too easily, he might be the director of a B grade film, that is to say… he can’t find other actresses to star in his life.

The last point of this entry can best be exemplified by a story. The boutique owner of “This Fashion” fired all her sales staff for being lazy and unmotivated. She than hired a HR manager to help her source for better employees. The manager during their first meeting asked how much she was willing to pay for a full time sales staff. She said $1500 a month. The manger than asked her to write down on a piece of paper all the qualities and traits she would want her ideal sales person to embody. The owner easily wrote down a list including traits like friendly, hardworking, outgoing, self-motivated, pleasant looking, etc etc. The manager took the list, read it and asked the owner the crucial question; “Why would this person work for you?”

How many of us are making the same mistake as the owner? We ask for the world but offer only a pile of rocks? Many girls faced the “interesting” problem of having the guy they like essentially ignoring them and attracting those whom they are not the least bit interested in or worst those whom they find hopelessly weird. The reason is simple, it’s her disposition. That is to say that it’s how she is behaving. What is giving those guys lower in the chain the idea that they stand a chance? Or simply she does not seem interesting enough to the type of guys she is interested in for him to make a move.

She cannot interest a man of calibre by “only” being cute or nice, he already knows hundreds of girls like that. She cannot interest a good looking guy (invested in appearance) by “only” being smart.

One sentence summary: Know what you want and become the person he would want to be with.

Next Entry: Money and Love, quality and quantity

E.Materialism

The loss of magic in our lives will render

our textured world

into a formless desert

Today I was exposed to an idea so radical, I was taken aback at the sheer proposal of it; Eliminative Materialism.

In the realm of philosophy, there are two main branches of understanding reality. Dualism is the idea that reality exist in two parts. An example would be the Duality of Mind and Body. What exists in the mind is one thing, and what exist out there in the empirical (perceived by our 5 senses) is completely another. Love, hate, jealousy, feelings and states of mind are examples of the non-empirical reality. By extension, we can say that we have a soul, a kind of spiritual essence that is beyond the body, some kind of consciousness which can transcend the material plane.

The other contender for this is Monism, the idea the reality exist as one complete whole. There are no planes, no dimensions or alternate reality. Reality simply “exist”, the questions is whether we are able to perceive it or not. An example is Materialism, the idea that everything can be reduced to bits and bytes, very essentialist (very reductionalist way of thinking). Our feelings, beliefs, thoughts, “free will”, etc. can be reduced to the electro-magnetic sparks within our brains.

When you are walking along the street, and you see a deep hole, you take a detour. Because you believe that going into the hole is not to your benefit. Hence you heuristically (automatic, passive, short cut brain work) take a detour. Sound very intuitive (common sense) doesn’t it? Also sounds “psychologically” sensible. This is “folk psychology” rationality, seemingly intuitive doesn’t it?

Eliminative Materialism pushes the idea of Materialism to the extreme by saying that not only does ideas about feelings, states of mind and beliefs are wrong, they also do not exist. At this point I was thinking in my head… than what? Proponents of Eliminative Materialism warn that folk psychology is completely useless in explaining things around us. “Common Sense” cannot explain why we need sleep, we know precious little about a “activity” we spend 1/3 of our lives doing. Everything, according to them, should be boiled down to neuro-science, brain study. Even belief, doesn’t exist. It exists of course as a figment of our imagination, like luck, fate, faith, and other states of mind.

Can belief really not exist? After all, if I choose to believe in this mode of thinking, what then am I doing if not believing? One powerful example shown to me was the example of the sun set. Let us say two men are watching a sun set, Copernicus and Ptolemy (www.googleityourself.com). Copernicus would point at the Sun and say, “Oh the sun is passing over us”, and Ptolemy would say “this side of earth is turning away from the light of the sun”. It is not important who is “right” and who is “wrong”. For both where considered truth during their astrological renaissance. The point is that both believed that they were right, and both would theoretically die for what they believe in. Beliefs are real only in their consequences, not real in itself.

Eliminative Materialism is not arguing that the hole doesn’t exist, or that the sun doesn’t exist, there surely is something happening. The point is that the way we rationalize the world using folk psychology is wrong. The reason why the social worlds we live in seem so inconsistent and erratic is the same reason why Copernicus’s Astrological Model was so complicated compared to Ptolemy’s, Copernicus was thinking about it using the wrong cognitive tools, and basing is model on a less accurate assumption, or a premise.

I argue that we should look back at our beliefs, if after all this I still can call my beliefs mine. What simulated my brain to create the imprints which led me to “know” what I know now and today? We should look at it from the perspective of brain science, in receptors and emitters. What you have come to know and believe today is historical (a product of a chain of events and experiences). It's your belief only because you claim it as yours, you did not create something new, any more than a mother creates a new baby from the food she eats. Let us be aware, that the concept (idea) of belief is a transport unit for our distilled experiences. Dont make the mistake of using yesterday's dried paint, to paint tomorrow's landscape (the problem of induction, Hume's problem), it WILL distort your reality. Be aware, thats all.

However, we face the same problem as Copernicus. Hence my answer to the proponents of eliminative materialism is this. We are limited by the technology of our time. Hence, we are stuck with using the scientific equivalent of superstitions to govern our day to day social lives, beliefs, hopes and dreams. Not very different from how once people thought the plague was caused by witches, you can pay for you sins with money, and love can be bought in potion form and other such “out-dated” practices. We here today use narratives, belief systems, hopes, dreams and other such figments of our imagination to rationalize our existence until something better comes along which can literally read your mind and by extension destroy your free will.

Do your believe me?

Valentine Moments

Last weekend I had dinner with a friend. Initially I wanted post something on the “Whats on your mind” to spoil as many people’s valentine day as possible. Why? Because it helped me express something I have always felt since I first heard of Valentine Day; that it was a gimmick.

A day perpetuated by an industry which is hell bent on commercializing a skewed notion of love. Saturated by almost every media source to “show” our Love. As if Love is something which loses value if not expressed in petals or palates.

She didn’t know it, but she changed my mind, hence I decided to do pen this.

We are all familiar with how this day became significant for so many people and its history, if you are not familiar, check it out at www.googleityourself.com.

vday, small caps emphasised, as it is commonly refered to in truncation crazy Singapore, provided an opportunity for so many guys to show that one girl that he thought of her as more than just a friend. It stressed so many girls by forcing them to hint, sometimes excessively at that one guy who she cannot stop thinking about, who seem to possess everything quality she was looking for except the ability to pick up a hint. Boyfriends brainstorm with other boyfriends ideas on how to out perform last years gestures, and girlfriends crack their collective heads trying to figure what to buy for their guy from the oh-so-limited men section of the shopping world. Guys turn to etched silver and girls to handmade cards in a hopeless struggle to “out personalize” gifts for each other.

But, I detest the notion of a Valentine Day. Not for the values it stand for, but the notion that great displays of Love and affection should and must be grand and sentimental and should occur within a Day. It was as if Love, however you define it, got a boost that day. A multiplier effect, any act done at the end of the second week of the second month will be received with greater reception. If you don’t believe me, guys try giving heart shaped chocolates every Monday to that girl and you will know what I mean.

Today, I saw an Indian foreign worker helping an old Chinese aunty up the bus. Helping a stranger, in a strange land out of goodness of his heart told me more about what Valentine’s Day was about than the countless couples I saw walking hand in hand through Orchard underpass with overpriced bouquets in hand, ignoring the Tissue paper selling aunty.

Have we forgotten that spirit of Valentine’s Day encompasses friends as well as lovers, family as well as strangers? Your lover was once your friend. If you cannot be a good friend, you surely cannot be a good lover.

Why limit it to a day? Campaigns are measured in days. Lifestyles are measured in lives.

Helping an old lady up the bus, cross the road, up the curb, or even clearing your own tray at the food court to help out the old cleaning lady. Buying two drinks instead of one for your friend when he is stuck in a long q in the canteen so that a drink is waiting for him when he is done queuing up. Call her when you see a good deal and you know she would love to know about it. Warm up dinner when you know your brother is coming home in 30 minutes time. Wash the dishes for your mother when she is not looking.

Screw Valentine’s Day, its Valentine Moments we should strive to realize. Great oceans are made of tiny drops of water; no one drop is more important or greater than the other. Great love is made up of tiny everyday acts, no one act greater or more important than the other. Do something not to show someone that you are thinking of him or her, do it because you are. Do not be deceived by commercial entities selling you the idea that the louder you shout, the greater your Love. They forgot and lest you forget, that most of the greatest assurances of love came in the form of whispers, at night, and close to each other.

And here is me wishing you, many, yet unrealized, and probably unnoticed, Valentine Moments.

V