Grandpa....

*I found this entry, i wrote it before my grandfather passed away

I felt that I should write something about my grandfather. I never felt that he was a good man, all though his life he was a selfish man, childish and foolish. He single handedly destroyed the lives of his children and in turn crippled my generation. He was a gambler, a cheat, a liar and an abusive husband. He was everything I stood against, he at once manifested all the qualities I despised in men, but he was blessed beyond comprehension. During his last years, his children serve and care for him faithfully. My mother became his full time care giver, my father co care giver, my extended family finance in lieu of physical presence and care and even the grandchildren participate in his care. Do we really reap what we sow? Sometimes, it doesn’t seem that way.
As he entered his twilight years, nature took away his mental faculties. He lost the ability to create new memories. My late grandmother was bedridden just as he started showing signs of Alzheimer’s. He started to show unmatched concern for her well being, it was as if all he could think about was her. The wife he has treated so badly all throughout his marriage was now the focus of his life. My family used to say that it was of some kind of twisted karma, some kind of trick of God played on his mind. Even after the passing of my late grandmother he kept asking where she was, and if her absence was the result of her seeing another man outside.
When we have our higher faculties stripped away from us, all we have left are our raw emotions and desires. Our insecurities surfaces shamelessly, we display the drives that motivates our thoughts and actions. Cast away are the social in line dancing steps we are forced to be concerned about, force to keep in line.
My grandfather has a memory limit of less then 2 minutes, every moment is a new moment for him, new, virgin and disconnected from prior moments. He lives life without concern for consequence, he no longer acts be reacts. He has become a shadow of the person he was, and even less than the man he once was. He is no longer the father of my father, but a shell of a man.
Sometimes I wonder, if I really get to live life without consequence, what would I do? What would I say to those around me? Who would I love? Would I still keep to the principles I hold so close to my heart if there wasn’t any consequences for breaking them?
Then I remembered, a line; I would rather lose everything but my principles, than have everything without them. I pray that if I ever lose my higher mental faculties, I will do so with dignity and honor.