Running Thoughts

Over ten years ago, in another life, I met a sweet looking girl, she was my classmate. She spoken and well-mannered, I remembered even till today how captivated I was by her mannerism and voice. She had an extremely unique voice, one I had never heard before and I will never hear again. Many years later I learned that she could also sing very well. Back then I was extremely shy around her, I had difficulties even talking to her and I could not hide the fact that I was totally smitten by her. Before long, stopped talking to her at all, everyone teased me mercilessly. I remembered how my heart raced and how my palms turned cold when I was calling her place, back then there wasn’t facebook or handphones for that matter. The first time I went out with her, it was a class affair. Most of my friends wanted to be informed, and I didn’t know what I was doing.

We started talking in public to each other 2 years later, and soon we were seeing each other almost every day. It wasn’t difficult considering we were from the same faculty and I have become braver in some ways. In my naivety, I was infatuated with her. I knew little about her but told myself that I loved her. I knew it was one sided, I knew nothing would come of it. So when our circumstances changed I left her life, knowing fully that I will not be missed. It was a lifetime ago, before NTU and before NS. There were a few gatherings over the years, but if she was going, I would not attend. Soon my friends realized it and left me out, and I was glad.

Today during my long distance run, I ran pass the spot where we parted so many years ago. It remained the same, the spot, but everything else has changed. The world has changed, the buildings have changed, even my heart has changed, but the stones did not. It was as if my whole world pivoted upon that spot as a fulcrum, giving strength to some areas of my life and dwarfing my efforts in other areas. I struggle to commit and I walk away easily. I remember once a girl told me that she doesn’t feel important to me because I go away so easily, when she cancel on me it would be many days before we talk again.

During the remainder of my run, I thought of the emotional baggage we all carry around. It is impossible to come of age without some sort of baggage, maturity cannot come without the destruction of innocence. Over the last few months I have come to terms that I too, like many others bear a weight. I will never let anyone affect me like that again, for all my days ahead I will be strong, for myself and those whom I love.