It has been a tight past few days. I am burning through books and running around doing my errands. Today spent all day at JB with my brother attending a seminar, it was really worth it I felt. The speaker was entertaining, funny and informative. I have learned much this weekend.
But alas, on my way back via MRT I was reading a book on the train. I was already stretched out and I was having 2 sms convo at the same time. Finally when my stop at novena arrived I made special not to keep my phone which was on my lap and my book. As I stood up and walked off I felt like I have left something behind and I kept checking my wallet and my handphone. It was my pencil that I was using to highlight which rolled off onto the floor of the MRT and I walked away from it focus on something else.
I stole that pencil when I was in sec 3 and has been with me for 10 years. Its pink with a yellow easer cap. It sat through every exam with me since then, and I feel very attached to it. In my moment of weakness I did not check properly. I only found out when I came home and emptied my bag.
I sat down thinking of all the material items I have lost… I lost 2 sets of home keys, a handphone and now this … my favourite pencil. Even though I was so attached to it, even though it has been with me for so long, and I expected myself to get worked up over it. But nothing happened, I just looked into my bag and thought… “oh … that’s too bad”. Kept the bag in my cupboard and sat down and picked up another pencil.
I felt such a strange feeling. I guess I have really changed a lot since I stole that pencil. I have gone through so much in the last 10 years I could easily write a book on it. Looking back, I guess I would arrange my books in chapters based on what I had to give up or let go in my life. At one point I gave up the hope that I would be a good looking guy so I started to harness other energies. At some point I gave up on trying to be an artist when I was 14, amongst other things.
Slowing and gradually life dealt me heavier and heavier hands, these hands weighted heavily on my principles. Soon I have a clear vision and sense of right and wrong and I have not looked back since.
When I realized I lost my favourite pencil, my mind went autopilot, framed it as inconsequential and flushed it out of my mind. When I hard to be harsh to one of my friends, my mind warped reality and I saw it as something I had to do to protect us and I said what I had to say without guilt.
Almost anyone can be extreme and give up everything for something, but it is my maxim that it take a mature mind to have priorities and keep to them, to be aware that our actions don’t only affect us but those who love us and embark on the most responsible path for other ourselves and those we are accountable to.
I lost something dear to me today, but to let it affect me would be irresponsible. Consider the long term, the bigger picture and one’s principles and one will be a more astute mind.
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