Remember Vernon

Just came back from a run. its like 1am now.

After a long day working and an evening at Toastmasters welcome tea, i still went for a run. An all out run.

Remember Vernon, pain is weakness leaving the body, failing does not make you a failure, giving up does.

A letter from the past.

A few days ago i came across a letter i wrote to future self.

It was written way back in 2006 just before i started my university, it was short, precise and innocent. It was addressed to me and it was to be opened on the 31/12/2010.

there was only 4 points, written in 4 sentences. I wasn't very much into writing it seems back then.

1) That i should have a part time job that i liked.

2) My grades should be above average

3) I should have a girl in my life who loves me and whom i love dearly

4) I should be confident and ready to take on the world

looking back upon my effectively 3 years in uni. Did i "achieve" my so called goals?

i would think so. all of them.

I do not have a consistent part time job, but i no longer believe that i should have one. My perspective on income and wealth have changed greatly over the last 3 years. A minor in entrepreneurship and many wealth creation and financial seminars have seen to that.

My grades are above average.

As for the part about love and girls, i was single back then but even then my younger self knew the difference. Loving others and being loved does not equal to a formal relationship for the world to see. Over the years i have been blessed and privileged to have had girls who have come to love me and in their small ways, and shown me that i am more than a friend to them, it was from them i learned how to love. To those who love me, i have indeed loved them back in my own way. I ask nothing of them. Over the months and years, some of them have left and i accepted it as natural death. Not every girl can understand and enjoy platonic love. Even thought they have left me, i still think of them and all they have done for me, and how little i have reciprocated. one of my few regrets in life, was to treat others less than how they treated me.

Am full of life and ready to take on the world. You bet i am. I have never been more ready and able than i am now. I have air in my lungs, a beat in my heart, blood flowing in my veins, a clear conscious, a open heart, a mind ready to learn. I have friends who have found it worth their while to invest in my their time and their advice. I have found mentors who are guiding me in their respective fields. I feel so blessed, so full of grace and power. Like a sword dancer, so beautiful and so deadly is his dance, likewise my moves in life and the words i speak. i have grown much spiritually as well.

I left out my family in my letter, it was a big mistake. I did not realized then how crucial a family unit is to a person's growth. Over the last 6 years i have strive to be the figure my siblings lacked, and the leader my family needed. In many ways i have succeeded, and i will continue to hold on and pressure myself to become a better person. For myself and for my family.

THE PARADOX OF OUR TIMES

Is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers

Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints

We spend more, but we have less.

We have bigger houses, but smaller families

More conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees, but less sense

More knowledge, but less judgement

More experts, but more problems

More medicines, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often

We have learnt how to make a living, but not a life.

We have added years to life, but not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back

But have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour.

We have conquered outer space, but not inner space.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted our soul.

We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We've higher incomes, but lower morals.

We've become long on quantity but short on quality.

These are the times of tall men, and short character;

Steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare,

More leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are the days of two incomes, but more divorces;

Of fancier houses, but broken homes.

It is a time when there is much in the show window, and nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you,

And a time when you can choose,

Either to make a difference .... or just hit, delete.

~ Anonymous

A woman as women should be.

I have known many girls in my life, some very beautiful, some very intelligent, every one of them feminine. I am very fortunate as a guy, because very early in my life I overcame my shyness. Over time, this advantage compounded in all the spheres of my life, everyone in my life felt it. Talking to girls have never been a problem for me, I could make them laugh, make them smile, make them interested in me. What is my secret? It is simple, because I am an interesting person.

Over the years I harness the empirical knowledge of the girls around me, soon I have come to believe I have met every type of girl, every permutation of every quality a young female can embody.

Most of the time, they are frivolous, childish, childlike, lacking in depth and quality. If they happen to be intelligent, they would only be knowledgeable and not thinking. That is to say that they might know more than the average person, but neither reflexive nor reflective. They would lament the inequality of females at the workplace while shopping for high heels.

I detest the female pursuit of beauty. I enjoy the aesthetical elements of course, but I detest its pursuit. Girls all around me complain to no one in particular that they are too fat, too thin, too dark. They forget that perfection is not a human trait. They are trying to transcend the physical realm, let us remember that a perfect circle is a mental construct, the perfect circle does not exist in nature, not even the world is in such a shape. Young girls are chasing a fantasy.

A woman should know that perfection is a social mind trick, she should know that she is beautiful in her own skin. She should know the her flaws are her details, her weakness is what makes her different, her strength is what makes her graceful, and her grace is what makes her beautiful. A heart free of ill intent is a heart that has the ability to be like a weightless feather, unimposing to those around her.

Young females seek to perfect their appearance at the expense of hollowing out their inner world. A fickle mind, an ignorant attitude, an inability to sustain thought is all signs of an immature person. Many young females are immature simply because they spend most of their time reserving that which cannot be preserved, instead of enriching that which nothing can take away, a graceful spirit, a sound mind and a big heart.

There was once I stopped believing in such a woman, I lost faith that she even exist. But, of out the blue I met her and she renewed my faith in my approach. Because of her, I now know that I am right. She is a woman as women should be, beautiful in her own skin, simple in her pleasures and gracious in her endeavors.

Tomorrow

is my first day of school, and as expected my first class of my 4^th and final year is a class I am not supposed to attend, HS301, Contemporary Social Theory Lecture by Lim Chee Han. I look forward to this class as I felt my HS301 by Kwok Kian Woon was somewhat rushed. I have every intention to attend this lecture throughout the semester, among other classes that I am also “auditing”. That’s going to be really awesome.

This semester will be trying in many ways, my FYP topic is very challenging as it deals with aesthetics, Bourdieu and ….. children all the same time. I started with great dreams for this project, and how it has trickled down to only a 10,000 word essay. I see it as a blessing, because the data and groundwork is simply too much for a one man show. This project looms over my academic life, it will make or break my 4 years in NTU.

On the side I also have so much to read, books pile on my desks faster than I can ever read them. My events fill my days faster than I could recover from them. It is as if my entire existence is vying for my attention. Sometimes my lungs feel like they cannot draw enough air no matter how fast I breathe. It is not easy to be a good son, brother and friend to all those who are deserving.

Then… I look up at my family picture I have stuck on a shelf, and I remember why I am doing all this. I am renewed.

Running Thoughts

Over ten years ago, in another life, I met a sweet looking girl, she was my classmate. She spoken and well-mannered, I remembered even till today how captivated I was by her mannerism and voice. She had an extremely unique voice, one I had never heard before and I will never hear again. Many years later I learned that she could also sing very well. Back then I was extremely shy around her, I had difficulties even talking to her and I could not hide the fact that I was totally smitten by her. Before long, stopped talking to her at all, everyone teased me mercilessly. I remembered how my heart raced and how my palms turned cold when I was calling her place, back then there wasn’t facebook or handphones for that matter. The first time I went out with her, it was a class affair. Most of my friends wanted to be informed, and I didn’t know what I was doing.

We started talking in public to each other 2 years later, and soon we were seeing each other almost every day. It wasn’t difficult considering we were from the same faculty and I have become braver in some ways. In my naivety, I was infatuated with her. I knew little about her but told myself that I loved her. I knew it was one sided, I knew nothing would come of it. So when our circumstances changed I left her life, knowing fully that I will not be missed. It was a lifetime ago, before NTU and before NS. There were a few gatherings over the years, but if she was going, I would not attend. Soon my friends realized it and left me out, and I was glad.

Today during my long distance run, I ran pass the spot where we parted so many years ago. It remained the same, the spot, but everything else has changed. The world has changed, the buildings have changed, even my heart has changed, but the stones did not. It was as if my whole world pivoted upon that spot as a fulcrum, giving strength to some areas of my life and dwarfing my efforts in other areas. I struggle to commit and I walk away easily. I remember once a girl told me that she doesn’t feel important to me because I go away so easily, when she cancel on me it would be many days before we talk again.

During the remainder of my run, I thought of the emotional baggage we all carry around. It is impossible to come of age without some sort of baggage, maturity cannot come without the destruction of innocence. Over the last few months I have come to terms that I too, like many others bear a weight. I will never let anyone affect me like that again, for all my days ahead I will be strong, for myself and those whom I love.

3 parallel thoughts

I am now a final year student, a senior of sociology. That has a nice ring to it doesn’t it? This week marks the beginning of many things for many others, but for me it marks the beginning of the end. I have played out my undergrad life as I saw fit and I have no regrets, all the friends I did not make, ,the subjects I did not Ace and the reputation I have created for myself. If I had another try, I would do it no differently.

Looking around me, i sense the anxiety of my peers, a gaping unknown which lies before them. Am I more certain than them concerning my days to come? No, I am no more certain but yet I am infinitely surer than them. Why? Because I am honest, because I do not engage in acts spawned of ill intention, because I help all who ask for help to the limits of my strength without expecting reciprocity and my sole motivation is the fact that I can hence I should. What I ask of others, I demand from myself; this is one of my few guiding principles.

---

I was inspired to craft an entry today because a close friend of mine told me yesterday, that I only think that I am above many things, and that she doesn’t believe that I am in reality I am just like everyone else. In many ways, she was right, I do think that I am above many things and along that very same thread I feel that many things are beneath me. But she said it as if it was a bad thing, a negative thing to be above the petty and the cruel, a frivolous and childish. But she was also monstrously wrong; I am not like everyone else. I don’t like it when people deal with me by using absolutes, can’t they see that being absolute is limiting? Being absolute is to lose texture, colour and the spectrum of scent. If she only could listen what I am saying instead of simply hearing my words she would have understood. I told her that I make no apologies for the standards I expect from others and myself, her face hardens and I smile. I read her mind, she knows she does not meet my expectation her reactions towards me are merely attempts to tear me down to her level so that she will feel better about herself. She failed, like so many before her and the many more to come. Denial is the greatest enemy of reality.

---

I received a gift last night from a friend who spent the summer in East Africa, Kenya. It was an African Tribal Dagger, and it was sharp and quite real. I make a note to myself to keep it away from my parents least they stab each other when arguing. The scabbard was coated in a sheer of grey black fur of some sort, its thin blade reflects a nation in poverty and its sharp tip its desperation.

I admire her for the courage to spend a summer alone in Africa; she was not ignorant, she was fearful, courage in my book is the act of overcoming fear. Courage is so rare in girls… almost as rare as honesty in men.

V

The Chambers of the Human Heart

Burning in the Skies

I used the deadwood to make the fire rise
The blood of innocence burning in the skies
I filled my cup with the rising of the sea
I poured it out in an ocean of debris

I'm swimming in the smoke
Of bridges I have burned
So don't apologize
I'm losing what I don't deserve

What I don't deserve

We held our breath when the clouds began to form
But you were lost in the beating of the storm
And in the end we were made to be apart
The seperate chambers of the human heart

Nooooooo!

It's in the blackened bones
Of bridges I have burned
So don't apologize
I'm losing what I don't deserve

What I don't deserve
I'm swimming in the smoke
Of bridges I have burned
So don't apologize
I'm losing what I don't deserve

The blame is mine alone
For bridges I have burned
So don't apologize
I'm losing what I don't deserve

I used the deadwood to make the fire rise
The blood of innocence burning in the skies

Nothing lasts forever,

Even cold November Rain

~ Guns and Roses

Pain is temporary.

It may last a minute,

or an hour,

or a day,

or a year,

but eventually it will subside

and something else will take its place.

If i quit however,

it lasts forever

~ Lance Armstrong

This is the last week of last summer break of my undergraduate life. I had an amazing summer, i traveled, i have gotten to know myself better, i have read books i never thought i would read, honed my stand up routine, gone for courses and had my mind opened to new and exciting ideas.

but,

I failed to achieve a few goals this summer, I failed to clear my IPPT, i failed to keep to my reading plan, i failed to register my company, failed to test my food product, failed to obtain a master copy of my smoking tee shirt... and i got thrown off track reading a book. There are many excuses i could have given myself, but i refuse to accept the excuses that i am thinking of right now. i will trade in those excuses for results. We never really fail, we only give up.

In a week's time i will embark upon my final year. A rather empty final year module wise, but packed academically speaking. I reckon 1st August to be a good date to make this resolution. In the next three months, i will attend to my formal commitments and i will clock in all which i failed to achieve these last three months. I want this entry to seared into my memory, how i did not achieve all that set out for and to remind myself why i should not give up.

This final year is crucial on many levels, but in essence it is a year to prepare, a final gap in my life to out into order the pieces of of my life before i assume the responsibilities i have been putting off for the last 6 years. Responsibilities as a son, a brother and an adult. i have much to prepare for.

Last evening, i brought my grandfather to the hospital again, this time he was warded for infection. As i stool there, look at the sleepy sleepy eyes of this ill old man. I felt the weight of the world bearing upon me, the weight of the years and days to come. Thoughts about the fragility of life, the passing of time, the hopes of the heart all were all flicked aside by the Pentecost of pain. All the great struggles of our small and short lives, regardless of magnitude or frequency are simple confrontations with our immediate pain.

I remembered the bird's eye view of Singapore, and thought about how a whole society is propelled forward by individuals overcoming their own small measure of pain.

I have spent years harnessing my mental facilities, forging a character of both caliber and clarity, control and inner strength. I am far from who i once was, but not yet where i need to be. More can be done.

Alone i stand against the onslaught, and alone i will stem the tide, for those i love, and all that i hold dear on this good earth... i will never yield.